Blast from the Past

So I wrote this in 2007 and it still holds true today.

"Testimony: Volume 1, Life and Relationships"

Yes I understand that this is the title of India Arie's 3rd album but I believe that it fits oh so well. And just as the CD has lyrics like "these eyes never saw you leavin... we were the greatest story never told" and "I prayed for God's will to be done and the very next day you were gone", so does the story of my life.

I have been in that place where I felt like this was the best thing that God has done in my life. And I felt like this relationship/friendship had to go on forever because I have never been so happy before. I never took into consideration that God was trying to teach me a lesson about myself through the relationship. Like I dont know how many times I told God that "I am ready for love" and i think He finally wanted to test out my theory and let me see if I was actually ready... Turns out I wasnt!! But I learned a lot about myself during that time BUT ultimately I learned that no matter how bomb i think a person is, God defined love much differently than I did at that moment. I think we all need a little test to see exactly where we stand when it comes to 1 Corinthians 13 love. And at that moment I couldnt get past verse 3 (and thats not even an ANQ joke!)
Real quick when you read 1 Co 13 how do you read verses 4-8?? Is it just like "Thank you Lord for acting like this towards me" or do you actually want to act like that towards others???

Now this lesson that I learned unfortunately did not come overnight but OH how I wish it had!!! I mean I had to go through a whole lot more before this lesson was over. I went through the Wile E. Coyote stage i.e, chasing after something that does not belong to me. But while I am there let me talk about something real quick. Have you ever felt as if you were the road runner?? Teasing someone, letting them think that you were gonna slow down just a little so that they can have you, just so that they could chase you?? Think about it. I feel that we all want to know that somebody wants us and we will do whatever we can to make that person keep wanting because it makes us feel better and raises our self esteem just a li

ttle even though we know that they will never ever catch us!!!

But back to when you feel like the coyote. When you are chasing after something that does not belong to you. And you spend all of your money and time trying to set up the perfect opportunity to catch it. And you never give up no matter how many times your plan does not work. And sooner or later you realize that you chased something straight off the edge of a cliff and there is nothing supporting you AT ALL and you are about to fall face first back to reality. The question is what do you do after that fall??? Do you then realize that you need to rely on God at all times or do you just get up and start with another plan to catch the road runner??

Well it took me some time but I decided that I want to be supported by God no matter what the cost, no matter how nice the person was, no matter how happy I was, and most importantly no matter how much i wanted that person to be my husband. No matter how much we want to hold on to something from the past. We need to realize that if God took it away that means that He has something greater in store for us. Wintana just told me that "in life you can only upgrade with God" And that joint is soo

true!!! I mean as sad as I am to see some people move move move right out of my life (dreamgirls style) Like I truly thank you for the lesson and "I want you to know that I'm better because you taught me how to give"

But this time I'm trusting God fully because I have come to know, understand, and re

ly on the fact that He said "I know the plans that I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

My life...

So a good friend of mine told me that I never talk about anything that actually pertains to how I feel about life. We went back and forth about what songs I could use to describe my life. The winner is....

"I lay alone awake at night

Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world."

-Save The Hero by Beyonce

Let's Peruse the essentials of cool...

Now if you immediately continued the Lupe Fiasco lyrics then know that I love you.

If you didn't then why are we friends?!? Kidding! I love you too but there is work that needs to be done.

So this is tough for me because I want so much for this to make sense but for the life of me I cannot. But I have been thinking about what it means to be cool, what it takes for my interest to be peaked in someone else and I came up with this:

I want you

well not want but more like a need

that I created unlike me need to breathe

more like my need to be free

from this invisible cave so the light I can see

Glimmers of hope peak through the stalactites of shame

The Stalagmites of pain

This prison of disdain

You overshadow what's keeping me here

And that's...

Essential

I thought when I started this I would just go on to say what Lupe says gold watch, gold chain, etc... but honestly anybody who is willing to search for me in this place I call my life is what I need...

I'm just not that into you... today

So this weekend I had a totally ran-dumb movie night where some pretty cool people showed up at my house and we watched a few movies (because what ELSE happens at a movie night?!?)

Well this was the first time that I watched "he's just not that into you" mainly because when it came out I thought to myself "eehhh the book was cute but not cute enough for me to want to see the movie" So I let three years go by before I even think about the book or the movie again. (someone else brought it up actually and I remembered reading the book)

If you want to ask me "WHY IN THE WORLD DID YOU READ THE BOOK?" that is a perfectly valid question that has a perfectly respectable answer:

Because I was bored one day and my roommate left it out on the coffee table in college!! I was 21 and the book had NOTHING to do with the readings for my comparative history:US v. South Africa, slavery vs apartheid class! It was better than watching CTV!

Any of those reasons will do. Trust me!

So anyway we watch this movie and I started to think about how I could have starred in this film... and had several roles!!! Kinda like Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor!!

First there was chic who fell in love with every dude that spoke to her... CHECK

Then there was the chic who myspace stalked "researched" ppl and stuff... CHECK

Then there was the chic who's best friend came out and said "I LOVE YOU"... CHECK

Then there was the dude who fell for the girl he was stringing along forever... CHECK

Has the movie taught me anything I didn't know... HECK NO!!!! But the commentary from the guys in the room was very insightful.

Now, I am slightly inclined to believe that because they sat in my living room, offered commentary, laughed, joked, and gave me a hug goodbye... they still aren't that into me... TODAY!!!

tomorrow I may interpret all of that for interest...

Ms. Solo Dolo pt 2.5

So I mentioned this song in the last post and then remembered that I have an affinity for music that people don't know or don't remember so here is Ms. Solo Dolo's Theme song!!!!

p.s. I definitely sang this song in chorus in like 4th or 5th grade!!!! funtimes.

Ms. Solo Dolo pt 2

So I have been out living the life of a single lady (insert beyonce left hand wave) and I would love to tell you that I have been having nothing but fun... except its only half true!!

Part 2 of the sermon series Solo at my church urged me to read Hebrews 13:5 whenever I felt lonely.
Hebrews 13:5:
Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, “I will never fail you.
I will never abandon you.”

Duh!!! I can quote that in my sleep but I never thought that I would need a reminder in my life. Especially since I am always out spending time with people. I spent a week in MD and in 3 days I went to 7social gatherings! yes 7 and that doesn't count the pit stops I made for some wonderful red velvet brownies!!! And I have never felt so lonely in my life that weekend.

Let's address why I go out so often... God never said I was gonna marry the mailmen and even if He did I would have to at least go downstairs to meet him! That and I truly enjoy the company of other people. But how can I be surrounded by people and feel lonely? This is a new phenomena to me because I am so used to being the life of the party. I just felt as though nobody desired to be around me. Nobody desired to be with me. Nobody desires Deri (I feel like some Inception level stuff was happening in my brain!!)

My best guy friend said "Desire is not always overt" those words alone have helped me to combat the Inception level untruths that were trying to take root in my brain.

The truth is I know that God is there and I know that He never leaves me, He never fails me, and He will never forsake me. I know that people desire to be around me. And I know that somebody desires me (somewhere out there beneath the pale moon light someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight...) (If you did not instantly start singing the rest of that song from An American Tale then you are a crazy person)

I know all of that to be true but I need to do a better job of believing it...

Solo

Ms. Solo Dolo pt 1

So my church started a series for single people called "Solo" I was even featured in the video!!

what's funny is that last year a few of my friends decided that my church should do like "single woman of the month" kinda like what Essence Magazine does but like at church!! I mean who doesn't go to church looking for their boo??? Personally whenever a really cute dude walks by I mentally start singing "there goes my baby" (ok I don't sing, nor do I really care but I find myself doing the occasional left-hand check, and for some reason I cant help that)

I digress...

So "Solo" The message was great and the takeaway simply changed my life:

Do what you can to show God how much you appreciate being in the state that you are in.

Clearly I am single and at 21 it was totally easy to appreciate that. At 23 it was getting hard and I started to doubt God (as if He ever really gave me a reason to do so) At the age that I am now I can say that I was getting down-right annoyed. It got so bad I believe I told someone "if God knows that me being single is causing me to doubt Him then why won't he just change that situation?" What kind of spiritual milk was I sippin on?!? I mean it was getting awful.

The takeaway from the message though helped me put a lot of things in perspective. I see now that my way of thinking was completely ummm silly! And God doesn't love me any less for being that silly for that long!

So this week I stayed away from "bait" or attractive men. It was challenging but I learned a lot about myself. It also helped me see who and what I appreciate and why! The trick was showing God the same type of appreciation that I show others (who didn't die on the cross for my sins Romans 5:8 style) If it seemed like I wasn't speaking to you its not because I didn't love you but because I value my relationship with God a whole lot more!!!


~Ms. Solo Dolo~