Sunday, May 22, 2011

Blast from the Past

So I wrote this in 2007 and it still holds true today.

"Testimony: Volume 1, Life and Relationships"

Yes I understand that this is the title of India Arie's 3rd album but I believe that it fits oh so well. And just as the CD has lyrics like "these eyes never saw you leavin... we were the greatest story never told" and "I prayed for God's will to be done and the very next day you were gone", so does the story of my life.

I have been in that place where I felt like this was the best thing that God has done in my life. And I felt like this relationship/friendship had to go on forever because I have never been so happy before. I never took into consideration that God was trying to teach me a lesson about myself through the relationship. Like I dont know how many times I told God that "I am ready for love" and i think He finally wanted to test out my theory and let me see if I was actually ready... Turns out I wasnt!! But I learned a lot about myself during that time BUT ultimately I learned that no matter how bomb i think a person is, God defined love much differently than I did at that moment. I think we all need a little test to see exactly where we stand when it comes to 1 Corinthians 13 love. And at that moment I couldnt get past verse 3 (and thats not even an ANQ joke!)
Real quick when you read 1 Co 13 how do you read verses 4-8?? Is it just like "Thank you Lord for acting like this towards me" or do you actually want to act like that towards others???

Now this lesson that I learned unfortunately did not come overnight but OH how I wish it had!!! I mean I had to go through a whole lot more before this lesson was over. I went through the Wile E. Coyote stage i.e, chasing after something that does not belong to me. But while I am there let me talk about something real quick. Have you ever felt as if you were the road runner?? Teasing someone, letting them think that you were gonna slow down just a little so that they can have you, just so that they could chase you?? Think about it. I feel that we all want to know that somebody wants us and we will do whatever we can to make that person keep wanting because it makes us feel better and raises our self esteem just a li
ttle even though we know that they will never ever catch us!!!

But back to when you feel like the coyote. When you are chasing after something that does not belong to you. And you spend all of your money and time trying to set up the perfect opportunity to catch it. And you never give up no matter how many times your plan does not work. And sooner or later you realize that you chased something straight off the edge of a cliff and there is nothing supporting you AT ALL and you are about to fall face first back to reality. The question is what do you do after that fall??? Do you then realize that you need to rely on God at all times or do you just get up and start with another plan to catch the road runner??

Well it took me some time but I decided that I want to be supported by God no matter what the cost, no matter how nice the person was, no matter how happy I was, and most importantly no matter how much i wanted that person to be my husband. No matter how much we want to hold on to something from the past. We need to realize that if God took it away that means that He has something greater in store for us. Wintana just told me that "in life you can only upgrade with God" And that joint is soo
true!!! I mean as sad as I am to see some people move move move right out of my life (dreamgirls style) Like I truly thank you for the lesson and "I want you to know that I'm better because you taught me how to give"

But this time I'm trusting God fully because I have come to know, understand, and re
ly on the fact that He said "I know the plans that I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011



I wish I didn't hear these voices

These small whispers of my thoughts

That make me second guess all my choices

Recalculate my chances of...

Well why should you even know?

I keep them locked up

Inside my mind

And replay the scenes in

My mind's eye.

My occipital lobe is working over time

Because every time I think and see you

I can't seem to ask you...

Well why should you care to know?

And every time I hear you speak

Well my temporal lobe causes a

Malfunction in my cerebellum because

The sound of your voice makes me weak,

Which causes an involuntary rise in my heartbeat.

Synapses fire, dopamine levels rise

Thinking and rethinking makes me feel high

And I'm glad my Frontal Lobe is fortified

Because if these thoughts got out I'd surely die

But you can’t see inside my beautiful mind

So you will never know what I’m thinking

Saturday, May 7, 2011

My life...

So a good friend of mine told me that I never talk about anything that actually pertains to how I feel about life. We went back and forth about what songs I could use to describe my life. The winner is....

"I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world."

-Save The Hero by Beyonce