Another Year Wiser

So I celebrated yet another birthday!!! Like it was MY LAST!!

Went to dinner with my girls at Eatonville restaurant!! Despite people not understanding the term "reservation" we still managed to have a good time!!! I was even surprised by a friend from NY!!

Then we went out... MORE FUN!!! WAY MORE FUN!!!! "DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE!!!"

(Thank you Big Sean)

Then I went to brunch... That was the most interesting brunch ever. Mainly because I am an entertaining junkie and the host was entertaining ALL WRONG! Then I was stuck like "do I offer all of my advice and potentially make them look foolish or do I just stand here and go hungry in this room full of people and food cooked out of order" It was also odd because I felt like one of the guys... whatever!

Then another dinner... followed by another brunch!!

But in the midst of all of the celebrations and everything I had to stop and say "Look how far God has brought me" and not just with like how many miles I am from NY! Or how I am handling this life" But like 2 Sam 7:18 "Who am I and what is my family that you have brought me this far"

Well I will allow God to answer that question this year as we continue our journey!

Epiphany

"And then it hit me standing outside of heaven waiting for God to come and get me..." -Lupe

So I guess I can admit to everyone who reads this (myself) that I do not have the most positive image of myself. Apparently this is displayed in the way I speak about myself.

"Oh hush Shaderi, you talk like you are obese!" said a fellow volleyball coach. All I talk about is losing weight and things like that. I think I'm obsessed with getting in shape.

It gets worse. I also have a bad habit of saying things like "I don't feel human unless my hair is done, my eyebrows are done, and I have on a new outfit" If those 3 aren't done at the same time then there is NO WAY you can make me think that I am the least bit human.

If you did not break out into the song "human again" from the remake of beauty and the beast then I don't even know why we are friends lol

Well I have been keeping up with my running program and I am getting into shape. People have been noticing. One of my co-workers swears that she can see that I am losing weight. (My scale says no such thing) Every store I walk into a dude is trying to get my number. I mean this has been happening only the last few weeks it's crazy. I have never received this much attention EVER!

I used to believe that people wouldn't talk to me because they just knew that I wasn't about what they were about. Well that is NOT true at all.

Then I realized suddenly that although I shouldn't care about what others think of me, it helps keep my esteem high! I have never been haughty or anything like that but now I walk around with my head up high because I can truly believe the words that the scripture says

"Your fame soon spread throughout the world because of your beauty. I dressed you in my splendor and perfected your beauty, says the Sovereign LORD." -Ezekiel 16:14

Inspiration

I know that I have been gone for a while and I am completely ok with that! I've been out living life and only tweeting about some things (which is life!)

But a few weeks ago I was inspired by this guy that I was working with (that I totally had a crush on) to get in shape. His exact words were "I mean think about it, you are getting old and you need to be in good shape" After I cleaned all of the salt out of the wound he created by reminding me that I was indeed aging -a fact I rarely point out to strangers- I realize that there was a lot of truth in his statement. So of course I couldn't just jump right into getting in shape because a cute guy told me to do so. It wasn't until I saw Raven Symone and how much weight she lost that I decided that I should DEFINITELY get in shape!

I started training for a 5k! Then I was talking to my friend and she told me to add strength training to my workouts on my off days. So I started that as well. (I FEEL LIKE DEATH! But I shall continue)

So Raven Symone was my inspiration (and the cutie I worked with)

Then I went to a friend's house and I told her of my running efforts and she said "you know what? You just inspired me to start running again" She left her house and went to the gym. I was there with the kids (Don't ever ask me to babysit! We were dropping water balloons from the 2nd floor into a measuring cup!!! But I did cook dinner)

But that wasn't it! We of course started talking about dating and marriage and stuff. And she said that I inspire her to continue waiting on God. WHAT THE CRAP!!!

I've been studying 2Corinthians1:3-5

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.

I'm just glad that I was able to help someone else in their hard time, while in the midst of my own.

Blast from the Past

So I wrote this in 2007 and it still holds true today.

"Testimony: Volume 1, Life and Relationships"

Yes I understand that this is the title of India Arie's 3rd album but I believe that it fits oh so well. And just as the CD has lyrics like "these eyes never saw you leavin... we were the greatest story never told" and "I prayed for God's will to be done and the very next day you were gone", so does the story of my life.

I have been in that place where I felt like this was the best thing that God has done in my life. And I felt like this relationship/friendship had to go on forever because I have never been so happy before. I never took into consideration that God was trying to teach me a lesson about myself through the relationship. Like I dont know how many times I told God that "I am ready for love" and i think He finally wanted to test out my theory and let me see if I was actually ready... Turns out I wasnt!! But I learned a lot about myself during that time BUT ultimately I learned that no matter how bomb i think a person is, God defined love much differently than I did at that moment. I think we all need a little test to see exactly where we stand when it comes to 1 Corinthians 13 love. And at that moment I couldnt get past verse 3 (and thats not even an ANQ joke!)
Real quick when you read 1 Co 13 how do you read verses 4-8?? Is it just like "Thank you Lord for acting like this towards me" or do you actually want to act like that towards others???

Now this lesson that I learned unfortunately did not come overnight but OH how I wish it had!!! I mean I had to go through a whole lot more before this lesson was over. I went through the Wile E. Coyote stage i.e, chasing after something that does not belong to me. But while I am there let me talk about something real quick. Have you ever felt as if you were the road runner?? Teasing someone, letting them think that you were gonna slow down just a little so that they can have you, just so that they could chase you?? Think about it. I feel that we all want to know that somebody wants us and we will do whatever we can to make that person keep wanting because it makes us feel better and raises our self esteem just a li

ttle even though we know that they will never ever catch us!!!

But back to when you feel like the coyote. When you are chasing after something that does not belong to you. And you spend all of your money and time trying to set up the perfect opportunity to catch it. And you never give up no matter how many times your plan does not work. And sooner or later you realize that you chased something straight off the edge of a cliff and there is nothing supporting you AT ALL and you are about to fall face first back to reality. The question is what do you do after that fall??? Do you then realize that you need to rely on God at all times or do you just get up and start with another plan to catch the road runner??

Well it took me some time but I decided that I want to be supported by God no matter what the cost, no matter how nice the person was, no matter how happy I was, and most importantly no matter how much i wanted that person to be my husband. No matter how much we want to hold on to something from the past. We need to realize that if God took it away that means that He has something greater in store for us. Wintana just told me that "in life you can only upgrade with God" And that joint is soo

true!!! I mean as sad as I am to see some people move move move right out of my life (dreamgirls style) Like I truly thank you for the lesson and "I want you to know that I'm better because you taught me how to give"

But this time I'm trusting God fully because I have come to know, understand, and re

ly on the fact that He said "I know the plans that I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Thinking

Thinking

I wish I didn't hear these voices

These small whispers of my thoughts

That make me second guess all my choices

Recalculate my chances of...

Well why should you even know?

I keep them locked up

Inside my mind

And replay the scenes in

My mind's eye.

My occipital lobe is working over time

Because every time I think and see you

I can't seem to ask you...

Well why should you care to know?

And every time I hear you speak

Well my temporal lobe causes a

Malfunction in my cerebellum because

The sound of your voice makes me weak,

Which causes an involuntary rise in my heartbeat.

Synapses fire, dopamine levels rise

Thinking and rethinking makes me feel high

And I'm glad my Frontal Lobe is fortified

Because if these thoughts got out I'd surely die

But you can’t see inside my beautiful mind

So you will never know what I’m thinking

My life...

So a good friend of mine told me that I never talk about anything that actually pertains to how I feel about life. We went back and forth about what songs I could use to describe my life. The winner is....

"I lay alone awake at night

Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world."

-Save The Hero by Beyonce

Speak up!!! I can't hear you!

So last night I participated in a step competition. The team worked really hard. Our steps were really intricate. We were beyond precise. The show had a theme, we were ready for war...

The problem was that we had never stepped at such a huge scale event before and so we treated it like we would treat a normal step show. Nobody heard anything that we had to say. We were told that we looked amazing and that everyone liked our steps but they just wished that they could have heard what we had to say.

At the show essentially were just going through the motions. We did our best to make sure that we ministered but that is not how it came off to the campus. Of course when thinking about this I can't help but think about how I live my life as a Christian.

I do my best to live a life that lets other know that I am a Christian. But sometimes I wonder if people who see what I am doing know that it is because I am a Christian. You know some people may see everything that I do as just being a good person. It would suck if nobody knows that I am a Christian after all of this.

A Lesson from Walking

A few years ago I read Ernst Gaines book "A lesson before dying" Read it!!

But today I learned a very important lesson just from taking a walk to my car.

*Back Story* I was at UMBC for an ANQ event with the lovely SM. We went to support the crazy JM. But my phone was dying. It was holding on for dear life. So I decided to go back to my car and get my charger. It took about 7 minutes and in those 7 minutes my life changed forever...

So I am severely knock-kneed. It is a debilitating disease that makes my knees look like they are always trying to sit on each other's laps, if knees had laps. This condition makes it completely impossible to walk like "normal" people. No matter what I do there is something at the very core of who I am that is preventing me from being "normal."

This sounds a lot like my life as a Christian. I use to try so hard to fit in and look normal but there is something that shapes who I am that prevents me from looking like everyone else. It changes everything about me. My walk is different. The way I respond to situations is different. I can't participate in the same activities because it makes me uncomfortable.

So that was my lesson... God is for the knock-kneed people! He loves us more because we have no other choice but to embrace the fact that we are different from everyone else!!!!

(OK maybe that was a stretch but whatever)

Let's Peruse the essentials of cool...

Now if you immediately continued the Lupe Fiasco lyrics then know that I love you.

If you didn't then why are we friends?!? Kidding! I love you too but there is work that needs to be done.

So this is tough for me because I want so much for this to make sense but for the life of me I cannot. But I have been thinking about what it means to be cool, what it takes for my interest to be peaked in someone else and I came up with this:

I want you

well not want but more like a need

that I created unlike me need to breathe

more like my need to be free

from this invisible cave so the light I can see

Glimmers of hope peak through the stalactites of shame

The Stalagmites of pain

This prison of disdain

You overshadow what's keeping me here

And that's...

Essential

I thought when I started this I would just go on to say what Lupe says gold watch, gold chain, etc... but honestly anybody who is willing to search for me in this place I call my life is what I need...

The Story of the prodigal Son pt. 2

So we met on my birthday randomly in a caf somewhere on my way from biochem to sociology or something like that! (I used to be a geek I lie to you not). I walked up to him like

"Hey are you T from facebook?"

"Yea are you Shaderi?"

"Yeah..."

2 hours later we get up and leave and have been friends ever since.

Now I know EVERYBODY thought we were dating because where you saw T you saw me. But he was my road dog. We talked about how much we loved Praise and Worship, how much we loved BBQ sauce. He even hipped me Open Pit BBQ sauce!! HE COOKED!!!!!!!! Like he would call me and say:

Yo I'm cooking I'm coming to pick you up.

Come to think about it he is just like me. I LOVE IT!!!!

And then graduation happened and I moved back home... and moved to MD.

I spoke to T once when I moved to MD. Coming home from Dive at Zion Church (so you already know that was a while ago). Then I was pressed over this dude so I did a one week no guys fast and lo T called in the middle of my fast. I was so tight because I knew he would change his number again before I had a chance to call him back. And that is what happened.

I haven't spoken to T in a little over 2 years. But I think about him every time a Fred Hammond cd comes out, Mary Mary comes on the radio, Tye Tribbett does Tye Tribbett things, pastors give awful offering sermons... That is my boy. And he will be in DC this weekend!!!!

Icing on my red velvet cake!!

The Story of the prodigal Son pt.1

I will be honest and say that I have recently learned a lot from God and should definitely share it with the world.

THIS IS NOT THAT TIME!!!!!

So back when I had a perm, gas was 1.78 a gallon, and facebook was only for college students, I met this guy on facebook.

What had happened was:

He was looking at profiles of Christians on fb (remember when you could click things people were interested in and see other people who listed the same interest?!?) So he sent me a message that said "Hey I was looking at Christians at our school and was getting depressed but then I came across your profile and you are actually not ashamed to be a Christian"

Since I didn't have a computer during these times I opened this message in my friend's dorm room so everyone in the room was like "yo deri that dude is cute and that is a pretty bold message. What are you gonna do about it? I think you should write back."

So I did. I said "Interesting pic. And yes I'm a real Christian" we talked for a while. Picture of Shaderi and Picture of dude who used his driver's license as his profile pic. (That has to be like giving the finger to fb) Then we met in real life. On my birthday

stay tuned for part 2

My party clothes are so binding!!!

That is probably one of the most profound statements from the movie that defines my generation and gives meaning to my life... CLUELESS!!!

I mean I can quote the entire movie from beginning to end. However, I must admit that I have never given much thought to this scene at all. But tonight for some reason this scene means a lot to me.

Cher is sitting on her couch brushing her hair in a purple cardigan and some jeans, while watching Ren & Stimpy talking about how much she enjoys staying in the house and going out. Her reason for staying in is simple; She can wear whatever she wants and have her hair look however she wants it to.

Tonight I feel the exact same way!!! With no actual PRESSING OBLIGATIONS, left work, went to the movies (with quite possibly the greatest individual on the face of this earth)***, came home and ate, and plan on playing video games until my heart is content!!!

Don't get me wrong I love going out- I still have time to get ready and go to 3 functions that I turned down if I really wanted to go.

But tonight I will rock some sweat pants and let my hair down.

I deserve this! And you do too!!!

***Please don't try and speculate who it is because I know a lot of great people***

Minute to Win it!!!

For Valentine's Day I went Speed Dating!!! Here is how it all went down (play by play style):

4:45 -I'm completely dressed and my friend shows up in sweats after I said we needed to by on the metro by 5:15. I pretty much knew that was not going to happen

5:20 - We leave the house and suddenly are reminded that the beltway on Friday at 5pm is a parking lot. Our chances of ever being remotely on time are shot. And I am one of the few people who doesn't like to be late.

6:45 -We meet one more friend at the metro. The event starts at 7 and this friend is ALSO not dressed and her hair is not done. At this point I figure we are NEVER going to make it. And I need new friends who actually respect the clock.

7:15 - We show up to the event pretty sure that they are going to turn us away because we are so late. However, the event didn't even start! I should have known the moment that I stepped onto an HBCU things were going to be different. I had to throw away my experience at 2 white schools and "go with the flow"

8:00 - Let the dating begin!!!!!! I sit down in front of someone who's last name clearly started with a vowel and ended with a vowel, who kept trying to give me high-5s, I thought to myself "I could get up and run now and NOBODY would care. After that minute and 30secs of sheer awkwardness I made my rounds on 13 other dates.

3 dental students - one of which smelled like he did veterinary dentistry. I tried to figure out how you could go some place without showering. I mean this bamma still had scrubs on. JUST WRONG!!!!

3 more FOTB dudes who's last names begin and end with vowels. I couldn't even understand them. However one dude was hilarious. I sat down and said "Hola" he said "oh where are you from?" "NY" "No originally" "NY" "But you said your name was Ola" "No I said Hello" Ding time is up!!

Last dude of the evening takes the cake!!! I sit down and this bamma says "Are you Caribbean?" "no, why?" "Because you look Caribbean" "Why would you say that" (you should know now that though I have nothing against people from any island in the Caribbean I HATE when people assume I am from there!! Proud to be an American Negro!) "Because you have a SWEET GAP" "I'm sorry a what?!?!?"

YES A SWEET GAP!!!

Needless to say I walked away laughing!!!! I'm glad I went. I would do it again!

My life in 88 keys

So maybe you didn't know this about me but I have been playing the piano for 24 years. Yes 24 years.

(I wish I could play by ear but I am not cool enough for that but I can read music so that makes me slightly amazing right?!?)

Anyway a few weeks ago, when I realized that my life is crazy, I began thinking about how much God sustains me. Then I started thinking about what it means to be sustained. I admit that I didn't look in the dictionary or anything but I did look at a piano.

I can admit that I rarely used the pedal in the middle. It makes sense because it's an american pedal and I play music written by Europeans. But the pedal on the left and the pedal on the right define my life.

The pedal to the left, the soft pedal, pretty much acts like a mute. I love it's function and I love how it works. It shifts the hammers to the right so that they are not hitting the strings dead on and it makes the sound softer. Sometimes I feel like God is my soft pedal. He just shifts everything that I am going through over so that I am not feeling the direct blows of everything. I continue to press on.

But ahhh, the pedal on the right. The sustaining pedal. This pedal raises all the dampers off the strings so that they can continue to vibrate and sound after a note on the keyboard has been released.It allows certain notes to be connected together.

Right now I feel like God has hit the sustaining pedal on my life. Even though I feel like there is too much going on and I can't take it. He is allowing it to continue because it makes for an every sweeter harmony. He is holding it all together. He is essentially building the perfectly layered chord in my life.

God, work, ministry, education, love, social life, money, family.

At times I wish this were more like a scale with each note being played at a different time but this is more like a chord that can only be played using the sustaining pedal because these notes are all over the 88 keys of my life.

Gotta catch em all...

Honestly, if you didn't start singing along then I don't know what to say! The song cranks and the show was the business! (and I wasn't even allowed to watch it or play the video game because somebody mentioned witchcraft or something I don't know)

But for the past few weeks I have been thinking about the fact that God chose me. Like David in 1 Chronicles 14:2 I realized that the Lord established me. Established, confirmed, etc. Sometime before the foundations of the earth I God knew that I had "coogi head to toe" He had to choose me "so watch me hit em with the flex..." (I digress)

Anyways

When I began to think about what it means to be chosen by God

I couldn't get all deep with it like some people because we all know I am just not that deep. However, I got a picture of God carrying me in a poke-ball. If I had to pick

a pokemon to be, I would choose pikachu because he was so cute but could sting the crap out of you!

So here is why this image came to my mind: On the show Ash traveled around and was challenged to battles, he would take out his pokeball and yell "(random pokemon who has the ability to fight whatever pokemon) I CHOOSE YOU!!!" Ash clearly had knowledge of all of his Pokemon because how else would he know who he can rely on to fight the battle? He found the pokemon, trained them, and equipped them. Tell me that does NOT sound like God?!?!?

ok so maybe I just compared God to a 90s pop culture sensation and I'm ok with that!

wait maybe this was a little bit deep...

at any rate getting a tattoo of pickachu is now acceptable!!!!