Blast from the Past

So I wrote this in 2007 and it still holds true today.

"Testimony: Volume 1, Life and Relationships"

Yes I understand that this is the title of India Arie's 3rd album but I believe that it fits oh so well. And just as the CD has lyrics like "these eyes never saw you leavin... we were the greatest story never told" and "I prayed for God's will to be done and the very next day you were gone", so does the story of my life.

I have been in that place where I felt like this was the best thing that God has done in my life. And I felt like this relationship/friendship had to go on forever because I have never been so happy before. I never took into consideration that God was trying to teach me a lesson about myself through the relationship. Like I dont know how many times I told God that "I am ready for love" and i think He finally wanted to test out my theory and let me see if I was actually ready... Turns out I wasnt!! But I learned a lot about myself during that time BUT ultimately I learned that no matter how bomb i think a person is, God defined love much differently than I did at that moment. I think we all need a little test to see exactly where we stand when it comes to 1 Corinthians 13 love. And at that moment I couldnt get past verse 3 (and thats not even an ANQ joke!)
Real quick when you read 1 Co 13 how do you read verses 4-8?? Is it just like "Thank you Lord for acting like this towards me" or do you actually want to act like that towards others???

Now this lesson that I learned unfortunately did not come overnight but OH how I wish it had!!! I mean I had to go through a whole lot more before this lesson was over. I went through the Wile E. Coyote stage i.e, chasing after something that does not belong to me. But while I am there let me talk about something real quick. Have you ever felt as if you were the road runner?? Teasing someone, letting them think that you were gonna slow down just a little so that they can have you, just so that they could chase you?? Think about it. I feel that we all want to know that somebody wants us and we will do whatever we can to make that person keep wanting because it makes us feel better and raises our self esteem just a li

ttle even though we know that they will never ever catch us!!!

But back to when you feel like the coyote. When you are chasing after something that does not belong to you. And you spend all of your money and time trying to set up the perfect opportunity to catch it. And you never give up no matter how many times your plan does not work. And sooner or later you realize that you chased something straight off the edge of a cliff and there is nothing supporting you AT ALL and you are about to fall face first back to reality. The question is what do you do after that fall??? Do you then realize that you need to rely on God at all times or do you just get up and start with another plan to catch the road runner??

Well it took me some time but I decided that I want to be supported by God no matter what the cost, no matter how nice the person was, no matter how happy I was, and most importantly no matter how much i wanted that person to be my husband. No matter how much we want to hold on to something from the past. We need to realize that if God took it away that means that He has something greater in store for us. Wintana just told me that "in life you can only upgrade with God" And that joint is soo

true!!! I mean as sad as I am to see some people move move move right out of my life (dreamgirls style) Like I truly thank you for the lesson and "I want you to know that I'm better because you taught me how to give"

But this time I'm trusting God fully because I have come to know, understand, and re

ly on the fact that He said "I know the plans that I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Thinking

Thinking

I wish I didn't hear these voices

These small whispers of my thoughts

That make me second guess all my choices

Recalculate my chances of...

Well why should you even know?

I keep them locked up

Inside my mind

And replay the scenes in

My mind's eye.

My occipital lobe is working over time

Because every time I think and see you

I can't seem to ask you...

Well why should you care to know?

And every time I hear you speak

Well my temporal lobe causes a

Malfunction in my cerebellum because

The sound of your voice makes me weak,

Which causes an involuntary rise in my heartbeat.

Synapses fire, dopamine levels rise

Thinking and rethinking makes me feel high

And I'm glad my Frontal Lobe is fortified

Because if these thoughts got out I'd surely die

But you can’t see inside my beautiful mind

So you will never know what I’m thinking

My life...

So a good friend of mine told me that I never talk about anything that actually pertains to how I feel about life. We went back and forth about what songs I could use to describe my life. The winner is....

"I lay alone awake at night

Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world."

-Save The Hero by Beyonce

Speak up!!! I can't hear you!

So last night I participated in a step competition. The team worked really hard. Our steps were really intricate. We were beyond precise. The show had a theme, we were ready for war...

The problem was that we had never stepped at such a huge scale event before and so we treated it like we would treat a normal step show. Nobody heard anything that we had to say. We were told that we looked amazing and that everyone liked our steps but they just wished that they could have heard what we had to say.

At the show essentially were just going through the motions. We did our best to make sure that we ministered but that is not how it came off to the campus. Of course when thinking about this I can't help but think about how I live my life as a Christian.

I do my best to live a life that lets other know that I am a Christian. But sometimes I wonder if people who see what I am doing know that it is because I am a Christian. You know some people may see everything that I do as just being a good person. It would suck if nobody knows that I am a Christian after all of this.

A Lesson from Walking

A few years ago I read Ernst Gaines book "A lesson before dying" Read it!!

But today I learned a very important lesson just from taking a walk to my car.

*Back Story* I was at UMBC for an ANQ event with the lovely SM. We went to support the crazy JM. But my phone was dying. It was holding on for dear life. So I decided to go back to my car and get my charger. It took about 7 minutes and in those 7 minutes my life changed forever...

So I am severely knock-kneed. It is a debilitating disease that makes my knees look like they are always trying to sit on each other's laps, if knees had laps. This condition makes it completely impossible to walk like "normal" people. No matter what I do there is something at the very core of who I am that is preventing me from being "normal."

This sounds a lot like my life as a Christian. I use to try so hard to fit in and look normal but there is something that shapes who I am that prevents me from looking like everyone else. It changes everything about me. My walk is different. The way I respond to situations is different. I can't participate in the same activities because it makes me uncomfortable.

So that was my lesson... God is for the knock-kneed people! He loves us more because we have no other choice but to embrace the fact that we are different from everyone else!!!!

(OK maybe that was a stretch but whatever)

Let's Peruse the essentials of cool...

Now if you immediately continued the Lupe Fiasco lyrics then know that I love you.

If you didn't then why are we friends?!? Kidding! I love you too but there is work that needs to be done.

So this is tough for me because I want so much for this to make sense but for the life of me I cannot. But I have been thinking about what it means to be cool, what it takes for my interest to be peaked in someone else and I came up with this:

I want you

well not want but more like a need

that I created unlike me need to breathe

more like my need to be free

from this invisible cave so the light I can see

Glimmers of hope peak through the stalactites of shame

The Stalagmites of pain

This prison of disdain

You overshadow what's keeping me here

And that's...

Essential

I thought when I started this I would just go on to say what Lupe says gold watch, gold chain, etc... but honestly anybody who is willing to search for me in this place I call my life is what I need...

The Story of the prodigal Son pt. 2

So we met on my birthday randomly in a caf somewhere on my way from biochem to sociology or something like that! (I used to be a geek I lie to you not). I walked up to him like

"Hey are you T from facebook?"

"Yea are you Shaderi?"

"Yeah..."

2 hours later we get up and leave and have been friends ever since.

Now I know EVERYBODY thought we were dating because where you saw T you saw me. But he was my road dog. We talked about how much we loved Praise and Worship, how much we loved BBQ sauce. He even hipped me Open Pit BBQ sauce!! HE COOKED!!!!!!!! Like he would call me and say:

Yo I'm cooking I'm coming to pick you up.

Come to think about it he is just like me. I LOVE IT!!!!

And then graduation happened and I moved back home... and moved to MD.

I spoke to T once when I moved to MD. Coming home from Dive at Zion Church (so you already know that was a while ago). Then I was pressed over this dude so I did a one week no guys fast and lo T called in the middle of my fast. I was so tight because I knew he would change his number again before I had a chance to call him back. And that is what happened.

I haven't spoken to T in a little over 2 years. But I think about him every time a Fred Hammond cd comes out, Mary Mary comes on the radio, Tye Tribbett does Tye Tribbett things, pastors give awful offering sermons... That is my boy. And he will be in DC this weekend!!!!

Icing on my red velvet cake!!